writeforyourlife.blogg.se

When I was younger and growing older
I started to feel everything all at once
My mother, she took to me to the psychiatric and told them
to "fix me"
I told the psychiatrist I feel too much and my head feels too crowded even in the best of times
It’s like an incubator for bad thoughts
She gave me the advice to write it down
To write all the passing thoughts down
Give my emotions a voice to speak with
I tried to use combinations of letters the way children play with toys
Forcefully and all at once
I tried to caffeinate my words into life
All I ended up with was palpitations and a diagnosis for an ulcer
I am sick of people trying to tell me what is wrong with me
I have already self medicated symptoms I have not yet had
Because I know myself well enough to play “guess today’s mental health problem” and “what pills will I be pouring into my system today?”
Recovery stopped being an option at the same moment as they told me I suffer from a multiple of personality disorders
Some days, the step from the bed to the floor feels a lot like running for my life
And other days I just roll up against the wall over and over and over again
Trying to knock some sense into me or trying to knock myself unconscious
It’s always one of the two
It all depends on the day
They tell me I am destructive, detached, distressed, depressed, dependent, delusional, derailed, dying
But aren’t we all just
Dying?

I just wanted it to be silent long enough in my cranium so that I could tell you
I’m not crazy
I don’t need fixing
I just need someone who will listen every now and again
When I lose time
When I’m overjoyed or indifferent
Someone I don’t need to censure my thoughts with
Someone who will read the Braille on my wrists and understand that it doesn’t say help me
it says "this is how I helped myself"
My symptoms are a part of my life
They will show up
Always inappropriate and always demanding
I will cower away in corners because wide-open spaces are filled with hard choices
I will hold my chest to try and count the seconds I have left before my lungs will explode
I will be at least 5 different people before this day is over
And I want someone to be able to hold together all parts that are me
And to tell me there is light on the other side of this thing called life
Because now that I am growing older
and still feeling everything all at once
I just want some peace of mind
And a smile that says
"It will be alright
It will all be alright."