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10 REASONS WHY I LOVE YOU

1. how you every morning would somehow manage to shape your body into an exact outline of mine
2. when you attempt to kiss every freckle, spot or mark on my body just to be able to say that you know me by heart
3. sometimes you make me breakfast-in-bed
4. our conversations at 4am that made me love you a little bit more cause the heavier the eyelids, the more honest the words
5. your lips taste like that first breath of life
6. how my hands suddenly shrink when you decide to hold them but it’s okay because your hands are big and rough and beautiful
7. I truly love the wrinkle in your forehead that only ever introduces itself when you are deep in thought
8. the way you kiss me straight after drinking a big cup of instant-coffee even though you know it makes your breathe smell bad and use the excuse “your lips begged me too”
9. your perfectly crooked teeth smiling at me from the other side of the room
10. because you are you

1 REASON TO HATE YOU

1. because you aren't mine

my body is a live ticking time-bomb
I could literally pinpoint to the moment
that I felt my heart self-detonate inside my chest
feel the shrapnel getting itself wedged in-between all the different chambers
and did you know
that if you keep hurting the same parts of you
over and over again
that all nerve endings die?
and that when that happens
that part of you goes numb?
that's why it doesn't hurt anymore
this doesn’t hurt anymore
all I am is a bundle of damaged goods and  a broken body
I have nothing left to offer
and did you know
that the heart is a hollow muscular organ
filled with regrets, tears, ache and purpose
it is a vessel in which I store every story that ever made me feel something
you made me feel something
but no choice is made without a consequence
I have to live with all the consequences 

the smoke is now filling up my lungs
inflating and deflating them rhythmically
forcing me to expand myself
forcing me to push all the burn out and breathe all the survival in
I am a survivor
it's what I do
and did you know
that a pair of inflated lungs could suffice as a lifejacket in drowning moments?
most days I feel like I'm drowning
in all the darkness that is my mind
diving into deep ends
heart first
with no knowledge of what lies beneath
and did you know
that we take 22 000 breaths every 24 hours?
sometimes
that fact makes me a little winded

my ribcage feels a lot like jail-bars
holding all my evil in
and keeping all the kindness out
I don't deserve it
I side-step happiness as easily as skipping stones across an unrippled lake
with all its goodness untouched
and I just want to be touched
or held
by a hug
that will ensure me that my diaphragm is intact
cause every now and again
i have to close-examine my own body
the hypochondriac in me doesn't rest for long
and did you know
that any interference with the diaphragms free movements
can seriously impede the function of the lungs
and that that endangers life?

the fire is now making its way up my breathing device
burning its way through my trachea
it’s a long, narrow passage with a light at the end
I can’t always see that light
maybe it’s cause I close my mouth and bite my tongue too often
it’s the only mechanism I can think of with a short notice and no patience
and did you know
that the trachea is lined with a substance
meant to help filter out dust and foreign objects from entering the lungs?
my filter is long since broken
cause I’ve inhaled so many promises and too many lies
they cling to my insides
offering me a bit of resistance
and I resent them all
my windpipe and my voicebox
feel like Pandora’s box
leaking all my pent up angst and anger
until the world suffers the way I have to suffer
and did you know
that only air is suppose to go into your windpipe
but sometimes other stuff gets passed and that that causes you to choke?  
I always feel like I’m constantly choking

my mouth is now filled with ash
my teeth are now rotting from all the sugarcoated deceptions people have force-feed me with
my tongue is useless
and my smile can’t tell the difference between up or down

and did you know
that these were my final moments  
and that I’m glad that I got to spend them with
you?

I just wanted to say thank you
For a lot of things
But mostly,
Thank you for being you
Thank you
For appearing in a time of my life
Where I spent hours putting band aids on wounds that cannot be seen with sight
Where I spent days listening to voices that aren’t really there and ignoring the ones who were
Where I spent months praying for something better than ordered bed rest and constant reruns of ruined moments

There you were
A perfect stranger
Signaling calm when my life was all storm
Like a lighthouse offering a place where I could shipwreck
And not drown in the process
I have a constant fear of drowning
I don’t trust my reflexes to kick in, in those last 60 seconds
Before that one final gasp
I wanna be able to know
That I at least made an effort of dying

But somehow you seemed to know that
You were the first person to ask me
How I was really feeling
And I knew
That if I told you I was fine
You would feel my lie through the computer screen
Like a fist full of how-stupid-do-you-think-I-am
So I told you
That I was not fine
If fine would have challenged me to a bare-knuckled brawl
I would be covered in bruises, blood and be beaten down
So instead I stained my words with truth and tears
Crash-landed into that Great Barrier Reef that was you
And I knew
That you would let me stay long enough to catch my breath

Thank you
For staying up 7 nights in a row with me
And for understanding why I have troubles falling asleep at night
I suffer from night terrors
Because sometimes
I am afraid to enter into different states of consciousness
Where there is no guarantee that I will make it out alive
The doctors prescribed me Restoril, Prozac, Zoloft, Xanax, Valium
My medications started medicating my mind into a black hole
Forcing it to stay under water for hours
I eventually threw them all down the drain

Talking to you
Made those waves feel more like an apology and a fresh start than seasickness and brutality
So with my salt-water stained windpipe
I wanted you to know
That you were the first person
Who told me I wouldn’t be catching sleep by chasing it
But to try and wait patiently for it
I don’t do patience well
You should see me trying to handle rainy days, lost luggage or tangled cords
I’ve heard that they can tell you a lot about a person
I don’t want to know what that says about me
I judge myself too often already
And always come up guilty more often than not
It’s never a fair trial
For I am both judge, jury and executioner
You put in over-hours working as my prosecutor
But could never manage to free me for more than a few hours
But thank you for trying

Thank you
For being a warm embrace 13 kilometers away and for having an armful to offer me
The first time we meet
Again
After coming clean with neglected sins in the confession booth
You held me so tight
That in that moment
I swear I felt like all my broken pieces finally made peace with one another
I need you to know
That you made me feel like I somehow managed to reach the shore in time
You became my steady ground
On rock bottom
A place I could land with both my feet firmly
And that to me
You’re why I’m still home. 

So thank you,
Thank you. 

When I was younger and growing older
I started to feel everything all at once
My mother, she took to me to the psychiatric and told them
to "fix me"
I told the psychiatrist I feel too much and my head feels too crowded even in the best of times
It’s like an incubator for bad thoughts
She gave me the advice to write it down
To write all the passing thoughts down
Give my emotions a voice to speak with
I tried to use combinations of letters the way children play with toys
Forcefully and all at once
I tried to caffeinate my words into life
All I ended up with was palpitations and a diagnosis for an ulcer
I am sick of people trying to tell me what is wrong with me
I have already self medicated symptoms I have not yet had
Because I know myself well enough to play “guess today’s mental health problem” and “what pills will I be pouring into my system today?”
Recovery stopped being an option at the same moment as they told me I suffer from a multiple of personality disorders
Some days, the step from the bed to the floor feels a lot like running for my life
And other days I just roll up against the wall over and over and over again
Trying to knock some sense into me or trying to knock myself unconscious
It’s always one of the two
It all depends on the day
They tell me I am destructive, detached, distressed, depressed, dependent, delusional, derailed, dying
But aren’t we all just
Dying?

I just wanted it to be silent long enough in my cranium so that I could tell you
I’m not crazy
I don’t need fixing
I just need someone who will listen every now and again
When I lose time
When I’m overjoyed or indifferent
Someone I don’t need to censure my thoughts with
Someone who will read the Braille on my wrists and understand that it doesn’t say help me
it says "this is how I helped myself"
My symptoms are a part of my life
They will show up
Always inappropriate and always demanding
I will cower away in corners because wide-open spaces are filled with hard choices
I will hold my chest to try and count the seconds I have left before my lungs will explode
I will be at least 5 different people before this day is over
And I want someone to be able to hold together all parts that are me
And to tell me there is light on the other side of this thing called life
Because now that I am growing older
and still feeling everything all at once
I just want some peace of mind
And a smile that says
"It will be alright
It will all be alright."

du kallade det för låtsaskompisar
psykologerna kallade det för en personlighetsstörning
jag kallade det för dina mindre attraktiva sidor

I have an attractive look
It’s my “it’s 4.45 am in the morning and I have to get ready for work” kind of look
With bad breath and my hair looking like an uprooted tree from the last storm that was just passing by
Her name was Lisa by the way
And she had an all consuming fire in her eyes
She took me by storm, shook me up real good and left me to pick up my broken body parts
But you see
That’s what I do for a living
I work as a cleaner
With 6 am starts and a degree for picking other peoples shit up
But no matter how hard I tried I could never manage to clean my own act up
I am stained with all my bad choices
And I will never come clean
No matter how hard I try to rub my skin raw
I will never have anything more to offer anyone
Than redness and a bruised ego from all the times that life
Decided to rub up against me
Scratchy side up
and that shit, ain’t comfortable  
I should know
I’ve been there more times than I can count and more times than I like to admit
And maybe that’s why I more often than not find myself standing with my best foot forward
‘Cause I’ve become one of those people who, when the going gets tough
I get going
There are a lot of situations that put me in a fight-or-flight type of modeI
I am more a flight type of person
I’ve never made skin contact with my knuckles
They may be scarred and have a few stories to tell but mostly
They’re cowards
They play dead to avoid unpleasant meetings
Instead, I learned how to give birth to smiles and make them grow
I learned how to laugh in key but out of tone
I learned how to make myself unknown
But I never seemed to figured out the trick to growing up
So I stayed short instead
It feels better to be closer to the ground
So I can stop, drop and roll faster when life decides to put me through hell and back
I know the drill
They teach it to you in school
I just figured they were trying to teach us where our breaking point goes
I never found mine
But I was close to figuring it out last Saturday night
When a chic, decided to stick her stiletto heal through my foot for the 7^th time in a row
I can now say that I sympathies with Jesus
and how he must of felt when they nailed him to the cross
But not everybody is worthy of forgiveness
And I’ve had a few bad days
And there are still a few more to come
I can feel it
like the moments before a thunderstorm
where hot meets cold in a dancing duel
so when I turn around to yell at her to stop falling down on purpose
cause there are people struggling to pick themselves up from rock bottom
she just gives me this smile
the type of smile that starts in the corners of her mouth and continues to rise like a sunset
and that does it for me
I go into fight mode this time
I can’t shake this one off
Not when she’s trying to use me as some kind of a support system to keep her in place
Expecting me to keep her from coming apart
While I am still trying to put myself back together again
And this is where I need you to tell me,
When I’ve finished cleaning everybody else’s shit up
Is it finally my turn to mess up?