writeforyourlife.blogg.se

I just wanted to say thank you
For a lot of things
But mostly,
Thank you for being you
Thank you
For appearing in a time of my life
Where I spent hours putting band aids on wounds that cannot be seen with sight
Where I spent days listening to voices that aren’t really there and ignoring the ones who were
Where I spent months praying for something better than ordered bed rest and constant reruns of ruined moments

There you were
A perfect stranger
Signaling calm when my life was all storm
Like a lighthouse offering a place where I could shipwreck
And not drown in the process
I have a constant fear of drowning
I don’t trust my reflexes to kick in, in those last 60 seconds
Before that one final gasp
I wanna be able to know
That I at least made an effort of dying

But somehow you seemed to know that
You were the first person to ask me
How I was really feeling
And I knew
That if I told you I was fine
You would feel my lie through the computer screen
Like a fist full of how-stupid-do-you-think-I-am
So I told you
That I was not fine
If fine would have challenged me to a bare-knuckled brawl
I would be covered in bruises, blood and be beaten down
So instead I stained my words with truth and tears
Crash-landed into that Great Barrier Reef that was you
And I knew
That you would let me stay long enough to catch my breath

Thank you
For staying up 7 nights in a row with me
And for understanding why I have troubles falling asleep at night
I suffer from night terrors
Because sometimes
I am afraid to enter into different states of consciousness
Where there is no guarantee that I will make it out alive
The doctors prescribed me Restoril, Prozac, Zoloft, Xanax, Valium
My medications started medicating my mind into a black hole
Forcing it to stay under water for hours
I eventually threw them all down the drain

Talking to you
Made those waves feel more like an apology and a fresh start than seasickness and brutality
So with my salt-water stained windpipe
I wanted you to know
That you were the first person
Who told me I wouldn’t be catching sleep by chasing it
But to try and wait patiently for it
I don’t do patience well
You should see me trying to handle rainy days, lost luggage or tangled cords
I’ve heard that they can tell you a lot about a person
I don’t want to know what that says about me
I judge myself too often already
And always come up guilty more often than not
It’s never a fair trial
For I am both judge, jury and executioner
You put in over-hours working as my prosecutor
But could never manage to free me for more than a few hours
But thank you for trying

Thank you
For being a warm embrace 13 kilometers away and for having an armful to offer me
The first time we meet
Again
After coming clean with neglected sins in the confession booth
You held me so tight
That in that moment
I swear I felt like all my broken pieces finally made peace with one another
I need you to know
That you made me feel like I somehow managed to reach the shore in time
You became my steady ground
On rock bottom
A place I could land with both my feet firmly
And that to me
You’re why I’m still home. 

So thank you,
Thank you.